Well first things first, I am totally drained and tired and angry and so many more emotions. Do you ever get that feeling where you feel so insignificant in peoples lives that you just don't even know how to react to people anymore? Take today for example, I thought people text loads...I didn't even get a single text today concerning about "hey. how are you?" or a "What's up?". I feel so dependent on people its not even funny. I freaking sleep with two body pillows on my twin sized mattress just so I could feel less alone in my room, when I have people in my house.
I don't even know where I'm going with this blog post. I just feel like the reason to blame for everything in itself is me. I don't like my brain. I don't like the way I think. I don't like myself. People always wonder why I have so much energy or people always wonder why I'm so bubbly and I talk loads. I don't know. I don't know why I have mood swings. I don't know why I like to talk so loud. I think when it comes to it, I just don't like the silence when I'm around other people. Take for example right now, its fine that its quiet and I prefer that because its late and I'm about to sleep and its just that time of night where its nice to be silent. But take example of a kickback I went to on thursday night. I don't like the sound of it being quiet when surrounded by people. It makes me feel like theres an awkward silence. I don't know. I'm weird like that.
Moving on...I am disappointed about myself because I don't even try anymore for school. I'm supposed to be studying for finals and working on so many essays...but I'm not. Why? Because I don't like school. I feel like a slave forcing myself to go to school because my parents want me to get an education blah, blah, blah, but I only go to hangout with friends. I don't know its weird. I don't view school as a place where it will help me towards my future. Am I the only one? Since no one seems to ever answer me in social networking sites I'll take that as a yes.
I feel weird because I don't have any internet friends. Like people I follow on tumblr and they ask them questions all the time. While I only get questions when close friends want to know whats going on in my life or when I write a long post like this, or when I seem to forget friends. But everyone else in the world seems to have internet friends. I guess I don't put myself out there as much. I don't know. Its just I have friends in real life, but I wish I had internet friends too that would comment on my stuff or comment on I don't know anything. People to care enough and put effort into actually asking me about my day.
I feel as if I'm in high school all over. Having issues with nothing. Like I'm really just writing about how I feel as if I don't have friends who care enough. Or I don't know. I dealt with this situation when I was in high school and clearly didn't do so well because here I am again. I care way too much and I always expect so much in return but I never do get anything back really.
I remember one thing from one of my old best friends in high school, erikha, she told me that to never have any expectations because they never happen. Now I am a very positive person, I'm more of one day my prince will come and sweep me off my feet. I just want to meet my prince one day when I bump into him or something. I don't know. That's me. I'm always hoping and searching and trying to find someone out there who will like me, who will just love me for who I am. Everyone says stop searching for him, he'll just come to you...but every time I do stop searching, that doesn't last very long. I don't know why its just in my head it seems as if, If I stop searching he'll never find me. He'll never see me because theres a prettier girl here, or I'm with my friend ,and this seems to happen a lot, but I always find my friends way more prettier than I am. I don't know. It's just that I'm jealous of everyone for the things I don't have, like I wish I had smaller boobs so I could fit into more clothes, or I wish I didn't have two moles on my face because thats what all people look at when they see me. Or I wish I was never fat and overweight because I want to wear pretty clothes that are in he sizes 1, 3, and 5. Maybe I should just go to sears...(lol mean girls reference)
This leads me to my other why I hate life right now and I'm scatter brained and dealing with so many emotions inside. I'm fat. I'm over weight. I think I may or may not weigh more than my dad. I'm taller than most asian girls. I think average height for them is 5'3 and below. I don't exactly know but yes I am 5'5.5. (The .5 does make a difference) And I don't even know how much I weigh but I don't want to know. Today, actually this whole weekend that I'm home in San Diego, I got squeezed and a bit complimented and told about my current weight. Now I know I look a bit curvier than most skinnier girls, and I should be grateful for being alive, but when your constantly surrounded by people who talk about your weight I don't know it could be a bit pressuring.
Now I come from a filipino family who like to talk about all about anything and everything, and if your filipino you know family friends and members like to gossip because they have nothing better to do. But this weekend I was told that I gained weight and my fat on my arms were squeezed and told that I had a double chin growing and ridiculed by my own family about the way I look. Now this has been going on my whole life and as I grew older it has been getting a bit worse. Today my dad told me that I'm growing a double chin and that if I don't lose weight I will never find a guy/boyfriend. Now I don't know if any of you who stumble across this has ever heard your father say that, but I hope you never do. I've never been one for self harm because I don't like scars, but I have thought about eating disorders quite a bit recently, more and more as I go home. One close family friend saw me today at one of those get togethers and said that I looked like I lost weight. Now I particularly like this "aunt" ( I call her auntie) because she always compliments me on how I always look like I lost weight. But this time I was talking to her and told her I would be working out more this summer and she told me that I always say that and it never is true. I was shocked to hear this because it never once occurred to me that they paid attention to my countless times where I would say I would work out. There are more encounters today where I was dealt with either my mother, father, and a real aunt who has told me about my weight. But I just don't want to write about it because this post will be forever.
I always wondered what it would be like if I became anorexic or bulimic. It would be that loss of weight. Being able to fit into clothes more, but losing a lot too. Such as hair, nails, period, problems with organs and so much more. I think there would be so many more problems and I would rather just die. I think the pain would be like slowly killing yourself up onto the point of death. Being in a hospital where you have tubes connected all onto you and what not. I 've never been put in the hospital but it seems like an ok place. The reason for this constant thinking is kind of a payback for all the pain people have caused me through out my life time. It seems torturous but the constant reminder of watching what I eat, what fits and doesn't fit, squeezing of fat, constant reminder of why I should not sleep so much, and more has really taken an enormous toll on my mind and body.
I've tried eating disorders but there never seems like any motivation for me to fully commit.
I want people to feel how I felt every time they told me something about my body, when they see me on a bed in the hospital. I want them to feel bad about all the things they have said, all those thoughts that they've had and what not.
Is that so wrong? Is it wrong for wanting them to feel that constant pain?
But with that there are so many things I would want to do in life and eventually these thoughts just fade away...with time. But who knows...they will come back again with time. The constant reminders will be more than enough to make me break...once more.
People always wonder why I sleep so much. One reason is because I stay up so late. Like right now its 2am. I've been typing away for about a whole hour. I just came back from tumblr lol. Another reason is that my dreams are always 100% better than my current reality. Until my reality is way better than my dreams I'll keep sleeping.
Well until next time....I'm sorry this was so random and had a few shocking points but its my blog and thoughts and maybe I'm a bit crazy for sharing this with the world but I am what I am.
Here is my inspiration of the day:
Until then...spread love and keep your head up.
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